I bought Bang a couple of months ago and have enjoyed reading it. I’ve also been reading/listening to Carlos Xuma’s “Secrets of the Alpha Man” program. He stresses that men should not touch a woman or try to sleep with her too soon, as this conveys neediness and impatience. In fact he states that a woman will usually get close and let the man know when she’s ready to physically escalate (whether that be touching or having sex).

From my understanding, your view is that a man should always get touchy/feely on the first date and go for the lay sooner rather than later.

I’m quite inexperienced when it comes to women, and am wondering what to do with these 2 conflicting points of view. What are your thoughts on this?

My Answer:

Great question.

The truth is both are correct. Remember that there are many to skin a cat.

When you want to screen a girl for her easiness, it’s best to touch her early and often. If she accepts your advances you know that this girl is probably horny and wants to fuck.

When you want to get a girl chasing you, then it’s best not to touch much. Let her work for it.

You can get laid using both methods, but the first method is for beginners who don’t have tight enough game to get girls to chase them yet. Basically you’re just trying to turn the girl on by touching. The second method is more advanced when your shit is together and no longer have to work as hard. I have moved more towards the second method, but when I know a girl is trying to fuck, I touch often.

Flirting and building attraction is crucial when it comes to helping the girl decide that she wants to sleep with you. Before I knew how attraction really worked, I'd approach a girl and talk about boring topics such as work or her favorite movies, and then she would politely excuse herself from the conversation only a couple minutes into it. But now I know better. When you talk about more interesting topics, she sees you as more interesting. Obvious, right? With a couple additional techniques, the "interesting" is turned into strong attraction.

Once attraction is built you can get her number and take her on a date or go for the one night stand (my preferred method). I teach you how to do all this in my book Bang, which details my complete banging system with step-by-step strategies such as The Four Key Moves To Intimacy (for when you want to kiss her) and my bedroom technique for sealing the deal. And of course my book tells you how to keep a fun conversation going, whether you just met her or are on a date.

If you had a system for building strong attraction with random girls you meet, would you get laid more than you are now? If you answered yes, then click here to learn more about Bang today.

I’m doing good in initial approaches and picking up girls on one night stands. However seeing these girls again isn’t going too well. I have thought about the fact they might be getting buyers remorse because a few occasions have been drunken sex at a party. We have fun but I doubt the adequate comfort level of say 7 hours that Mystery talks about is reached.

Also little conversation is had, it’s mostly just both of our hormones in action. Some of these girls I have tried to turn into fuck buddies but it hasn’t gone according to plan. I normally send a text 2-3 days later saying whatsup girly or you were a playful girl sat night. They text back saying “hey! how are you blah blah.” I say, “good you etc etc wanna hang out tonight?” They say sorry I have work or some shit. Should I be calling even though they don’t have my number, might get freaked out that I’m calling. What are your thoughts here?

On that note what are some good initial text messages to send to a girl and then follow up texts?

Also what are your thoughts on drinking when you go out? I still feel a little uncomfortable in a club sober but feel that approaching this way will only tighten up my game.

How much does a players living quarters affect things? I currently live with a hot 20 year old girl who has a b/f. We have never hooked up although I kinda only see her as a friend. Sometimes it has felt weird bringing a girl back as I know she can hear us. Would be cool to live with some guys and bring back a few girls together. There might be a 20 year old guy moving in which would be cool. What are your thoughts on living arrangements in general?

Last last question, thinking about joining a fraternity next year. It will cost a little bit of money but I am working this summer. Friends in there say they are banging hotties l, r and centre. Then might move into the frat house. What do ya reckon on this (might be a stupid question)?

My Reply:

I don’t think it has anything to do with it being a one night stand because I’ve dated many girls in that way (banging in much less time than 7 hours). The big problem is your attempt to move them into fuck buddy status immediately. A girl will be a slut for a night but she won’t knowingly be the fuck buddy after just one sex episode.

“Wanna hang tonight?”

It doesn’t work like that. You have to try and date them normally by giving at least one days notice, preferably two. We know she’s a slut but don’t treat her like one while she’s sober. As for texting game, keep it very simple and logistical in nature. No jokes, no stories, no flirting. Just “Hey what’s up, are you free on so and so?”

I drink when I go out, usually capping it at 3 drinks (after that my game declines). If I’m in a social setting where 95% of people are drinking, it’d be more unnatural not to drink.

Living quarters definitely affects things but as I made it work when I lived with my dad (even bringing girls there), it doesn’t hurt as much as most people think. If I had my pick, I’d live with one other friend very close to a nightlife area. This would drastically increase the amount of one night stands I get. “Hey you want to have a drink at my place… I live four blocks away.” That has a lot more sway then if you live over a half-hour away.

If you can join a frat, do it. It’s probably the best thing you can do to banging a lot of chicks in college.

The whole point of the game, besides some cheap thrills in the sack, is to find the quality girl you deserve instead of having to settle like most guys do. I remember the time when I personally couldn't even have conversations with pretty girls. I would just stare at them and do nothing, hoping that by some miracle of God they would come talk to me first. But they never did.

My problem was part lack of confidence, part fear, and part inexperience. Yet once I decided to take control of the problem, I sucked it up and started approaching girls everywhere like a maniac. That's how I learned by trial and error and came up with an effective system to go from approach to bang, which I describe in my book Bang.

In Bang I teach you everything I learned about girls with a strong focus on approaching and having interesting conversation that creates attraction. Then step by step I tell you how to call the girl, take her out on dates, and then finally seal the deal. With my system I'm confident you will eventually meet and bang the one girl that you want for the long-term. Click here to learn more about Bang today.

Roosh

Recently, ive been testing out a new approach and getting sporadic results. im in israel for the summer and am seriously intent on hooking up with israeli girls. I simply approach a girl and ask her in poor, pathetic hebrew (even though im almost fluent) for her advice. I tell her im looking for a cute, sweet israeli but have only found skanks. I ask if she can offer any advice. This worked on a waitress and i went out with her a couple times. other girls are simply not feeling it.

How would u suggest i tighten/tweak this approach? Do u think its better to begin the conversation in english and then transition to hebrew?

My Answer:

Your opener sucks. Why would you be trashing “skanks” to girls you want to have fast sex with? It decreases attraction instead of building it. Tease and use humor and instead.

“Hi how are you. Do you know a good place where I can get _______?” Ask for some food, good hummus, whatever.

She’ll answer. Then you say…

“Also by the way i’m here for a short time. I’m looking for a nice wife…. can you maybe lead me to the right coffee shop where I can find one?” Then you smile so she knows you are joking.

She’ll laugh and you say, “No i’m just kidding but i don’t know many people here. This city is interesting though…”

Then ramble from there. Try a couple approaches in bad Hebrew and a couple in English to see which works better. Work off that and don’t email me back until you get some action.

Roosh,

I want to tell you a little about myself. I am 27 years old, divorced, with a son. I got married 7 years ago because my girlfriend got pregnant. DNA testing from the divorce ruled me out as being the father of my daughter. I am back in college and living with my grandparents.

My biggest problem is sweating. The strong deodorants don’t work and the medication that keeps me from sweating is too expensive because it isn’t for sweating but for stomach ulcers.

I am writing you because I dig your stuff. I recently bought your book but have only read the introduction. Seriously, I have to study a lot and I am currently in summer school. I need help, and I totally dig a lot of the things that you say and your history. I like that you are an intellectual. The bottom line: I need help with my game, but I don’t want to sacrifice my GPA and ruin my chances of getting into grad school.

I talked to Neil Strauss in Chicago about how sweating has kept me out of the game, and he said to make up some story if someone asks about how I did some research and I found that men who sweat have higher levels of testosterone. That is easier said than done and hugely embarrassing.

I don’t have much money, but if you are putting on anymore workshops after you get back from traveling then I would like to know. I get so fucking depressed and I feel like a loser.

I have definitely reached that point on more than one occasion where I thought that life just wasn’t worth it. I don’t believe in God, so I know that when I die it will be over. I want to change Roosh, and I would like it if you could help me.

My Answer:

First, thanks for buying my book.

Your issue is not sweating but confidence. And I know this because I sweat like a fucking pig (it runs in the family), especially on my hands. Most girls I date have made comments about it and I tell them I’m thankful I sweat because I never need lotion, which will end up saving me “thousands of dollars” during my lifetime.

In fact I can’t wear grey shirts because of pit sweat. My nose and forehead is often sweaty and I dab with napkins whenever I get the chance. But not once have I worried that sweat is stopping me from getting laid.

In other words, your confidence issue is making it seem like sweating is keeping you out of the game when actually your mind is. There are guys that weigh over 225 pounds who are pulling regularly so you can’t convince me that mere sweat is your problem.

Ask yourself this: is it possible that there are men out there who have worser physical issues than yourself but are getting laid regularly? Your solution isn’t a workshop. You have my book which is enough to see a large improvement in the next year. Read it from front to back and approach at least ten girls a week. Forty girls a month starting tomorrow is your solution, and there is no shortcut to that. In your email you didn’t mention things you’re doing, so that tells me you haven’t even stepped in the pool yet.

Also start optimizing your look by trying different hair and beard configurations. Splurge on a new outfit that makes you feel good. And definitely hit the gym. If you don’t live near a gym or can’t afford it, develop a poor-man’s workout routine (pushups, situps, pullups with a $30 door frame bar, and running). It helps to be happy with what you see in the mirror.

In your next email to me I want to hear questions about issues you have found when approaching girls. Take action starting tomorrow.

I push myself out more these days and approach way more people (and chicks) than before and I’m getting rejected left right and center. And the only opener that comes to me – that I’m most comfortable with, even though I’m pretty uncomfortable, is “Hi.” Then I introduce myself and ask her name and it typically goes downhill from there.

But I’m not backing down. These days. once I start walking, I don’t care if I’m approaching lonely (but not looking for company) chicks, pairs (most common), chicks with boyfriend on their arm (I did this cause she locked eyes with me for over 10 seconds) or Attilla — suicidal, but fuck it. I have to catch up on my rejections.

This is where I’ve hit a brick wall. I’m not converting any approaches into successes. So far 100% of the girls I’ve met don’t want to sleep with me. I want attraction, then conversation. I’m not gonna ask for a number if I don’t see myself following up. Numbers don’t mean much to me. It’s the interest, so my real test would be to check if she was interested enough to ask for my number, call me or call me back.

Then there’s the butterflies, the 8-9s who are at the club/bar for god-knows-fucking-what. They’ll flit around, drink, dance with their homegirl, talk to 4 other chicks, then queen around dudes who approach them and go to the bathroom. WTF is up with that? Don’t they know California is in a state of drought. I want more game so they listen and obey. Such is the sorry state of things.

My Answer:

I don’t like your opener. Sure you feel comfortable doing it but it gives you very little room to do anything else. You’re making the girl decide on the spot if she likes you or not since it’s leaning direct in nature.

Focus on indirect instead and let her talk to you for a few minutes until she thinks, “Hmm he’s a cool guy.” Don’t make her decide off the bat.

That said, try guessing games. Start an opener with “Let me guess…” then follow it with an observation about her. On the subway recently I used, “Let me guess, by the way you are dressed you are going to a bar or club.” That led to a conversation about where she was going and nightlife in general. It can be anything so experiment with it (I mention a good one in Bang).

Start small. Instead of going for sex, have a goal of her showing you indicators of interest. Is she asking questions about you, like your name? Because that’s the first step in attraction. So what do you have to do to get her to be interested in you in those first few minutes? You’ll probably have to come up with a funny/original opener, you’ll have to drop some intriguing hints about yourself (”Yeah i just came from…”), and you’ll probably have to make her laugh while being confident. With the approaches you’re doing I’m sure you’ll figure it out soon but use your BRAIN and THINK about different things you can do. If you’re doing something that doesn’t work, try something else.Other than that, keep approaching, because that’s the number one thing you can do to increase your results.

I have an extremely good female friend (platonic — who i’m not physically interested in ) — but I love hanging out with her, but usually leave her home when I’m going to go do pick-up. Whenever I bring her out, I feel like she kills my game; either because I’d rather hang out with her than most of the dumb girls I meet, or most girls just assume she’s my girlfriend. Is there a better way to play this? She has a very beginners knowledge of pick-up stuff that I’ve told her, and is conventionally attractive. I don’t want to her use her in anyway that would be weird later on — if i started dating some girl i picked up — since i would want the new girl to hang out with my friends.

So far the only way I’ve made this work — is when i was out with her + other friends, saw a girl across the bar that I had picked up the week before, and made her go over — make friends with the new girl (”randomly”) — then acted like it was a coincidence later on (oh my god — you’re friends with so and so too?)

Any ideas?

My Answer:

You answered your own question. Cut her loose. Hang out with her once every two weeks at most. I had the same problem, hanging out with three lady friends. With them i felt like they were watching and judging me. Eventually I ditched them and got some guy friends and had a lot more success. Knowing girls, she will give you slight cutting remarks that discourage you and plus you won’t be able to go balls out because you will wonder what she thinks. Pick up is hard enough—you don’t need that on your shoulder.

I’m sure you can somehow introduce her into your game to help, but she won’t help you more than with a proper wingman. Lady friends kill game.

I recently picked up your book due to a friend telling me about it and your blog. I especially enjoyed the book since it was to the point unlike some of the other “game” books out there. I look forward to your next book and will purchase it if you plan on putting another book out. I am writing to you to ask you some questions, some advice and to get an outside opinion on my current situation.

I met this girl at work a few months ago by teasing her, etc. (calling her mopey since she never seems to smile at work, accusing her of being 30 when she isn’t, etc.) This girl is sort of quiet/introverted and at work, she doesn’t really talk to anyone outside of me. So the past few months, we’ve gone to lunch a lot with each other, etc. and sent each other bullshit emails, talked about some personal stuff like family, etc. So it seemed we had a good rapport we each other. Well in late June, I find out that she got engaged since I saw a ring on her ring finger. I call her out on it and she says nonchalantly that she got engaged but sort of changes the subject.

I was sort of surprised at this because girls always talk about their ring, etc. when they get engaged. For some reason, she seemed to never tell me about a bf/fiancee even though other coworkers have asked her about it. Coming back from lunch (before she got engaged) one time, I mentioned if she had any plans for the weekend outside of washing her hair (said in a sarcastic manner) and bought up doing something with a bf, etc. Big mistake there on my part. She didn’t answer that question and just ignored it and had a pissed off look on her face.

I guess you are wondering where I’m getting the idea that I think she might be interested in me. An example would be her asking me if I would ever go to Ohio (where she’s from) a few times and on my birthday which was on July 10, she being all excited than I was that it was my birthday and buying me lunch. I’ve teased her other times before and gave her ultimatums like “If I train you on this, you have to buy me lunch.” or “If I tell you about how I learned about embassy parties, you have to buy me lunch.” She always says no, but ends up buying me lunch anyhow when we go to lunch together. I don’t really care about getting a free lunch but was really surprised that the teasing actually resulted in her buying me a lunch. I just find it weird that a girl with a bf/fiancee would be buying lunches for some other dude, that’s all.

At lunch on my birthday, she asked me what I had planned for that night and I sort of was vague and just mentioned that I was having a nice birthday dinner. She kept trying to find out details about it, etc. but I wanted to keep the mystery since I know girls love that type of nonsense. Here is an an reply email I got from her on my birthday when I forwarded her a work related email: “Thanks for all of your help! I hope you have a great time tonight! Happy Birthday! Thanks for having lunch with me! “It’s possible I might be reading into these things a bit much and hence why I need your outside opinion.

I guess another problem is that I feel maybe she might be using me for the attention since she’s probably not used to it since she’s shy/introverted. Hence, why I have these mixed feelings about the situation. But then I wonder if maybe there’s something there since she never talks about her fiancee in my presence even though she just got engaged. I even brought up her wedding next year, and she talked about it in a neutral manner.

Another thing is that last week, I had to stay late for a work related project and she stayed late to help me out also. I told her that she didn’t have to but she did anyway without complaint. And the next day, she said if I needed any more help that she would stay late again. We were at work till 8pm for that day we stayed late. Of course, I didn’t make a move and wasn’t sure if I should have. Do you have any advice on that? I’ve had one other friend tell me that I should try to figure her out at a future company happy hour since alcohol would be involved, but I figured I would seek your advice.

I apologize for the long winded email since I know you probably get hundreds of these. I would just like to seek your advice on this situation and see how I can get her to dump her fiancee (they’ve been only been together for a year and a half from what I’ve heard) and what I need to do to win her. I guess you can say I like the challenge of doing this instead of forgetting about her and going after some other girl. I appreciate your sage like advice and look forward to your reply.

Thanks

My Answer:

Why does it matter if there’s something “there” or not? It’s not your job to analyze her attraction for you by dissecting every little sign. Your job is to isolate her and advance, which you have not done! That’s the only way to find out. If you like her and want to have sex with her, whether she is engaged or not, simply ask her out for drinks after work. Drink with her, tease her some more, touch some more, and then when she feels like no one is watching (since she is engaged), go in for the kiss. If she rejects you then who cares! Otherwise you’ll get some action out of it. You’re making this way more difficult than it needs to be.

Making a move is not dependent on how she feels about you, since you will never be sure. All that matters is if you want to and if you can get her isolated. Stop thinking and start doing. Good luck.

I’ve been dating a girl for 5 months. We get along really well for the most part, but there’s always been one aspect of our relationship that has bothered me. She’s 21 (2 years younger than me, I’m 23) and she’s been in 4 serious relationships. This is basically my first.

1) I used to work on the campus humor magazine with her last boyfriend, and I know him kind of well. I only ever knew him in that setting, though, and I had never met this girl while they were dating. The thing is, I saw this dude out at bars one night in like October and he told me the details of him hooking up with her (her being my now girlfriend) a few nights earlier (they were broken up at the time). So I know that they broke up in October and they hooked up afterwards. Just kinda weird. She still hangs out with his friends a lot, too.

2) It’s just weird to think that she has been in so many serious relationships. It’s one thing to think of a girl that has slept with tons of guys but never really “loved” any of them — but at the age of 21 I’m the 4th dude this girl has been in a serious relationship with. It really makes me feel strange, and I constantly think about her doing the “relationship” stuff that we do together with other people.

For some reason today I decided to click through her wall post history on her facebook profile, and I come across all of these messages that ex-boyfriends had written that were almost the exact same stuff I write now. Stuff like, “good luck on your test, babe! love you!”. Shit like that.

I know I’m being insecure, but is this something I should let go and forget about? Because it’s honestly something that really irritates me and makes me question our relationship. I know that I won’t be able to ever avoid this with girls unless I date women that have never been in a relationship, but sometimes I feel like, at this point in my life, maybe I should be with someone who has about the same “serious relationship” experience that I do — none.

If this truly bothers me, does just trying to not think about it work? Or is it something I should just accept is going to feel weird?

My Answer:

You have two options:

1. Dump this girl and find one you are compatible with who has zero relationship experience.

2. Deal with your insecurities.

If she is not doing anything wrong with her behavior and you like her, the problem you are describing to me only exists in your head.

Imagine being my age when girls not only have tons of banging experience but tons of relationship experience as well. I’m getting girls after a LONG line of guys have already rode them hard, both physically and emotionally. The only thing that matters when I’m around a girl is if I like her company and if she meets my needs — the past is completely irrelevant.

You’re going to have to get over it. Resist seeking out knowledge of her history because there is nothing about her past that will make you like her more. Whenever a girl starts telling me about her past dating/relationship history, I tell her to shut up because I know that knowing will stir up those weird feelings you are experiencing. Still, I imagine if you let these feelings take over, the relationship will be damaged. Suck it up and know that whatever experience she has or guy she has been with, she is now with you.

Hey man, I remembered you had a section on your trip through Spain and I just read it. I´m in Valencia right now and leaving for Barcelona tomorrow. The hostel is definitely a unique experience. I´ve met more people the last week then I think I ever have in a single week. I´m getting a good feel for how things work and the first 3 nights things worked out awesome in Madrid. Next 2 nights in Sevilla were kinda tame but I think you must have caught some bad timing there because every girl I saw was amazing, all were very fit, tan and cute. Seville the hostel was small, kinda crappy and had no in-hostel bar so it was a hard launch point for extracurricular activities. I´ve just spent 2 nights in Valencia. I´ve talked to many hot girls here.

I have noticed a somewhere disturbing trend however. For example there were 3 beautiful girls coming down the steps when they passed i smiled and one smiled back. They were all dressed to go out and I saw them sitting around looking at each other in the bar/lounge area. I approached them and asked if they were gonna go out or just sit around all night to find out they speak very little english. I broke out my spanish (decent) and found they were all from Seville and very friendly.

They were going to go out with an amigo of one of the girls that lives here to dinner (at about 11pm) and were waiting for him. I walked outside with them to see if his taxi had arrived after a few and all of the sudden 2-3 other guys walked up and were immediately gaming their asses off. The trend I noticed is me initiating with girls then all the apparently apprehensive guys jump in with their best game. My game is not all that but I´m not afraid to try.

One of the bolder guys immediately said (let your friend go with her amigo, you 2 should come with me to go out and drink) he then wound up giving them his number and said to call him after dinner. I said a nice goodbye to them and wished them well on their trip.

Any better way I could have handled this? They told me where they were going later but from what I´ve learned on this trip so far is if you dont take girls immediately and leave it at maybe we´ll hangout later it doesnt happen. Thats what i´ve been doing with some girls more of (hey what are you up to tonight? them: not sure, you ? me: not sure, if you´re gonna be around the hostel ill find you later) kinda lame, but what else can i do when its still way too early? The trip is amazing so far but I think i´m getting really caught up on getting with girls and its frustrating when it doesnt always work out.

My Answer:

You need to get a lot more persistent that that! You gotta push all the way and fight through barriers until you get a “no” when you try to escalate the encounter. It seems like you are giving up way too early just cause things got a little hairy.

The other dudes are your competition in this game. So out-game them! From your example, that guy’s game was pretty weak because he gave his phone number. (Giving your phone number to a girl is a dumb move because it rarely converts.)

Since you are traveling, there is none of that phone/email stuff. You go for the kiss, and then you go for the bang… ON THE SAME NIGHT. THERE IS NO DAY TWO. So its all or nothing, meaning you can be much more persistent than you would at home, even at the risk of seeming *a little* pushy.

When traveling i found that the guys who got the girls were the ones who would make a confident showing, last the longest, and just scoop her up towards the end of the night. Persistence is crucial when you are going for these same night closes. Pick a girl, game her, and if she is feeling you, 100% YOU MUST GO FOR THE KISS… much sooner than you would here.

Don’t email me back unless its a success story or how you got brutally rejection.

Roosh,

In Miami most of my potential victims have little or no english skills. My spanish is borderlines on caveman, but I understand plenty and are able to get me needs understood. What do you think?

My Answer:

Four options:

1. Learn Spanish. Go to Isohunt and download the Pimsleur Spanish courses
2. Bring along a prop. Maybe a dog? Tarot cards?
3. Set up a crude palm reading stand. I image that would be fun
4. Find a new place to meet girls!

I feel your pain though: you have this untapped supply of women and you can do nothing about it. I had this same problem in South America but i was doing this in bars and clubs. The music made the pauses less painful and there was alcohol and a dance floor to help things. I found that a digital camera to show them pictures showed my value while continuing the interaction.